Mending from Mom Mistakes…by Joanne Ewald

The following article by Joanne Ewald, founder of Mend on the Move, is reprinted by permission

My mom made mistakes.

The first, was not seeing, or acknowledging the abuse that was happening to me as a child. Secondly, when I did find the courage to tell her, she made the choice to stay with my abuser.

But I loved my mother dearly. So much so that for more than 30 years of my life I refused to see my mom’s role in my abuse. I wanted to protect the mom who didn’t make mistakes.

The mom who was my best friend.

The mom who often doubled over with laughter with me at the silliest of things.

The mom who was always positive, maybe even a bit naive, refusing to let the troubles she had faced in life crack her resilient character.

The mom who loved me fiercely and told me I could be and do anything.

The mom who taught me to appreciate the little things in life, like walking barefoot through warm puddles after a summer rain.

I did not want to betray that mom with my real feelings. So, I pushed them deep, deep inside the recesses of my being.

Then I had children of my own. I could no longer deny the truth. I began to think; ‘I would never have put my child in that position. I would have protected her.’

But in reality, I have made my own mom mistakes. My mistakes may look different, but they were mistakes that, when I look back, were not in the best interest of my children.

We really have no right to compare our mom mistakes. Or rate them either.

I remember my mom and I were once laughing about some childhood memory and my mom said; “see, it wasn’t all bad”

I stared in disbelief and thought; “you don’t get to minimize my pain to make yourself feel better.”

So how do we mend from Mom mistakes?

For starters, we take moms off the pedestal of perfection.

Even our precious moms make mistakes, just like every other human being.

Holding them at unrealistic standards will disappoint us every time.

For moms striving to be the perfect moms they wished their moms could have been, you are chasing an illusion.

Instead of striving for perfection, teach your children that mistakes are a part of life.

Be honest and open about your own shortcomings.

While I may never fully understand it, I believe my mom did the best she  could with the filter of her experiences, personal history and even the time period in which we lived.

For me, true mending came in a counterintuitive way.

Through forgiveness.

But aren’t people who hurt us supposed to pay for the pain inflicted?

But the truth was, I was the one in pain. I was holding myself captive in a prison of bitterness and anger.

But it took years to let it go.

When I was finally able to say; “I forgive you mom”, she had dementia and didn’t understand a word I said.

It was then I knew. Forgiveness had little to do with my mom. Forgiveness was for me.

For letting go of burdens I didn’t need to be carrying.

For coming to a place where love triumphed over the evil that was done to me.

For the peace in my soul.

I thank God that before my mom left this world, I was able to fully appreciate and love her with all my heart.

Mom mistakes and all.